I’m Not Going Back

How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go back when in your heart you begin to understand. There is no going back. 

    -Lord of the Rings

 

I was sitting on an airplane heading to Salt Lake City and all of a sudden something scared me half to death. 

 

I sat there and almost panicked because that plane was taking me back into an old world. My old world, a world that fit me like a glove, a world that I knew inside and out. Except this time, 

 

I'm not who I used to be. 

 

And I know this old world. But it doesn't know me. It doesn't know me, yet it thinks it does. 

 

The uncomfortable became my comfort-zone. The unknown was exactly where I liked being. Because no matter where in the world I was, I was surrounded by a family of 23 crazy, prophetic, loud, loving Jesus-freaks. 

 

And I can't blame my old world for not knowing me, because I didn't know me. I didn't know who I was or how to truly find my identity in Christ. 

 

I didn't know that Jesus literally wants to talk to me all the time. About silly things, like chocolate-chip cookies. I didn't know that I served a God who would give me surfing lessons. I didn't know that I was prophetic. Jesus wants to give me words and pictures for other people? Why? I didn't know the deepness of His love. I didn't know that everywhere I walk I'm fighting a battle. I didn't know that demons are actually really attacking God's children. I didn't know the necessity of His power to set me free. I didn't know that I walked in the authority to deliver myself and others in His name. I didn't know the extent of His grace. 

 

Actually, come to think of it… 

 

I didn't know my God. 

 

You know what scares me? 

 

It's not other people.

It's not the lack of people.

It's not demons.

It's not Satan.

It's not Spokane.

It's not Atlanta.

It's not this world.

 

It's myself. 

 

My God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He never changes. His love never fails. But I change constantly. My feelings and attitudes come and go. 

 

And although my God is a constant, I am not. But then maybe I need to stop being so centered on myself. Maybe I need to look beyond what I think I want and trust that His plan is always better. Maybe I just need to look at it like this:

 

Although I am not constant, my God is. 

 

I'm not strong enough but that's ok, because my Jesus is strong enough for both of us. 

 

People have said, "That seems so difficult. That must be so hard. That trip is so long. You go to so many dark places…."

 

No. I don't think so.

 

I lived surround with a family who constantly kept me accountable. Who saw my struggles and called me out in them in such a deep love that it changed me completely. Who would give me prophetic words and pictures when I was too stubborn to admit to myself, much less anyone else, that I needed help. Who processed and cried and hugged and laughed and danced and traveled with me for nine months. 

 

It's easy to find Jesus when you're entire life is literally focused on finding Jesus. 

 

No school. No job. No career. 

 

Just Jesus. 

 

But through all this the Lord has taught me so much about His faithfulness. He has opened my eyes to a new world. A world with so much more meaning and purpose. An adventurous world, a dangerous world, a world filled with passion. He opened my eyes the a spiritual battle and now I can see it everywhere. There are spirits on every nation. The United States however, is a more daunting battle to me.

 

Because I fought doubt in Honduras.

I fought shame in Thailand. 

I fought anger and low self-esteem in South Africa. 

 

But the spiritual battle going on in America is a lot more frightening to me than those. Doubt is obvious. Shame smacks you in the face. And anger is impossible to ignore. But one of the spirits that has the strongest hold on America is the spirit of complacency. And complacency is terrifying because a lot of the time you don't know it's holding you. That's the curve ball, when you're held captive in complacency, you don't see it. 

 

When we touched down in Atlanta I was immediately aware of the devil's lies. 

 

The last nine months felt like a dream. Satan was desperately trying to make us forget about the way the Lord had moved. He was desperately attempting to pull us back into an old lifestyle, an old world. 

 

Here is the biggest difference between the old me and the new me: I know how to discern Satan's lies from the Lord's truth. I can see the battle. Complacency still tries to attack me, but this time I can see it coming. This time, I can throw it right back in Satan's face. 

 

The lies that nobody will understand us.

The lies that we'll go back to being the same people we were.

The lies that the healings and angels and gold dust were make believe.

The lies that God is not real.

The lies that we have fallen too far to be saved.

The lies that He has stopped loving us.

The lies that we are not beautiful children. 

 

And as I typed out those lies that the Lord redeemed my squad from, I got this vision: 

 

I can see Satan desperately searching for old lies. For old chains to throw back on us. To restrict us. I can see him panicking. I can see him ranting about battles already lost. And I can hear him saying with more and more desperation in his voice, "Hurry hurry we're losing them." 

 

And at the same time I can see Jesus laughing. I can see Him smiling. I can see Him looking upon us and being filled with pride as His children brush off Satan's lies and cling steadfastly to His truth. I can hear Him saying, "Well done." I can see the love in His eyes and the promise that He will never leave. And He is saying, "Hey. I've got you. And I'm never letting you go." 

 

I can see all God's children standing up and recognizing the battle going on. I can see them running free from chains. I can see them laughing and being filled with His love, strength, and joy. I can see them holding up their brothers and sisters. And I can hear their voices, so strong, together, united, filled with authority saying, 

 

"Get behind me Satan. I am His. And I am free."

 

I cannot wait for the battle to be won, but until it is won we've got some work to do. And the fear goes away, because people will come and go but my identity is found in Jesus. I know His voice and I am excited to share stories of His faithfulness with others. All I want is for everyone to know this God, this King. To experience the peace and joy that comes from walking and talking with Him. To understand how deeply intimate our God is. To laugh and cry and dance with Him. To have inside-jokes with Jesus. 

 

No more lies. I know who I am. He set me free. And my entire life is an adventure with Him, because He whispered something to me in that hotel room in Atlanta that I knew, but was so good to hear, that really changes everything, 

 

"I'm coming with you." 

 

How do you go back to an old life? You don't. 

 

I'm not going back, I'm walking forward with Him. 

 

And I'm excited. Here's to a brand new adventure. South Africa is over and the next country?

 

The United States.

It's time to watch Jesus set my nation free.