One of my teammates posted a blog today that really hit me. He said,
"I was thinking today about how in my blog my life is one God-filled moment to the next. If my life were my blog alone then it would seem that I am catching one continual Jesus wave. I wish that were the case… I wish that I could tell you that becoming a missionary has made me some sort of spiritual guru… but that wouldn't be true."
So I looked at my own blog list and realized that every post is about God doing something crazy, or a situation that calls me to action and calls you to action. And every single one of those posts are entirely true. God does and says crazy things. He is a living and radical and relational God. But, as I talked to a friend recently, I realized that I've overlooked telling you about struggles and brokeness and doubt and fear and shame.
Yes I am free in Jesus. Yes He broke my chains. Yes I've talked about all the crazy good stuff that He's done and the places He's called me too.
But I overlooked the fact that I had chains. That before there was freedom there was imprisonment. Before there was joy there was shame. Before there was peace there was fear. Before there was belief there was doubt.
My blogs are all about the moments when God reached me, those moments when I had miraculous breakthroughs. If you follow my blogs you know that I saw angels in Thailand, that I taught first and second grade in Honduras, that I have a passion for the kids in South Africa, that I became friends with prostitutes on Bangla, that I witnessed healings in Los Pinos, that I dance every day in Cape Town.
But you probably don't know that I struggled with doubt in Honduras. To the point where Satan had absolutely convinced me that God did not even exist. And even once I passed that I still struggled with doubt and occasionally do today.
You probably didn't know that I struggled with shame in Thailand. So much so that I was convinced that even though God existed, He wanted nothing to do with me. Try as I might, I couldn't be good enough to deserve His love.
You probably didn't know that even though I have a passion for these kids, the youth group, and dance class, I struggle in South Africa with a feeling of distance from God. Like I'm just removed from Him and complacent. Like I have to try and chase Him down.
No, from reading my blogs you probably didn't know those things. Because my blogs are all about the good moments or the broken situations that I feel called to impact, my blogs are my highlight reel. One of my favorite quotes is by Steven Furtick and goes like this:
"The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel."
I do that a lot. And I realized that a lot of my friends at home who keep telling me that we will have nothing in common when I get back, that my faith has somehow surpassed them, that I'm a better Christian now because I went on a mission trip, have been comparing their behind-the-scenes to my highlight reel.
Guys, you've read all about the highlight reel, know that those are the mountaintop moments. That my life has a lot of valley moments, and those in between moments when you hiked your way halfway out of the valley but then you find yourself sitting halfway up the mountain wondering how in the world you're going to muster up enough energy to keep hiking up to the peak.
And while you're sitting there in the middle of that mountain, exhausted, unable to keep going, Jesus comes in and carries you the rest of the way. And then you hit the peak and the peak looks like standing on the balcony for hours with some of your best friends watching angles fly around in the sky. The peak looks like holding a conversation about Jesus and the church in Spanish with a man on a street corner in Honduras. The peak looks like looking a prostitute in the eyes and telling her that God is alive, God loves, and God delivers from shame.
Those are the mountain-top moments, the show time moments, the highlight reel moments.
But before all of that there are the behind the scene moments. The rehearsal time, the valleys, the middles of mountains, and all those painful times, the times of doubt and fear and shame and complacency, are the exact things that, looking back, you realize God used to train you in order to get you to the mountaintops. I couldn't really tell a prostitute that God was bigger than her shame until I felt what it felt like to dwell in that shame. I couldn't really tell a man in Honduras that God is bigger than doubt until I had gone a decent miserable amount of time not being able to fathom His existence.
My life is a lot more than highlight reel moments. My life is one long and sometimes painful process.
It's not just showtime. It's auditions and callbacks and waiting and rehearsals and tech weeks and behind-the-scenes.
It's not just the mountaintop. It's preparation and valleys and cliffs and rocky climbs and sometimes falls.
But I think that's what is so beautiful and crazy about God. I cannot doubt for a second that everything good I do comes from Him because I literally could not do this on my own. I cannot doubt that God will love me no matter what I do or do not do because He already proved that He has. I cannot fear that my doubt will somehow erase God because He has already proved that He is bigger and greater than my faith.
That was a lot of rambling. All that to say, you've read all about my highlight reel, this is a little of the backstage time. When you see me in two months feel free to ask me about the moments when I failed miserably (there are a lot of them) because in those moments you'll know without a doubt that this whole trip was Jesus' doing, there is no way I could do it without Him.
Yes, I've been blessed with many mountaintop moments, but it's my behind-the-scenes moments that built them.
P.S. Here's the link to the blog post quoted above, check out Elliot's blog. elliothuemann.myadventures.org
Nikki, I loved this being in drama at times I can totally relate to the hard work for one small moment of “high light reel” But what you say is so true….life is a total movie from the previews to the concession commercial to the film to the ending credits…..there is a lot that goes on between and it ALWAYS seems to involve ups and downs. Life is like that here on earth and you are right it’s soooo good to hear about the ups but also the downs….I think it makes us more real….more reachable….to those who want to know what it means to be a christian. The greatest thing we (as christians) have to offer isn’t some witness of a “perfect” life or some “perfect” freedom from problems…It’s the HOPE that Jesus offers that He is still with us even in the “valley of the shadow of death” & it’s ok to not always get it perfect He still loves us and forgives…and the Peace in knowing that one day we will be in Heaven with Him and eternity will be the top of the mountain FOREVER! Thank you for your great words! Stay encouraged as you all have encouraged us! Mrs Huemann